Bitching Betty is a slang term used by military pilots and aircrew when referring to the overly calm female voice used by the aircraft warning systems. Depending what Betty has to tell you it can cause an adverse reaction in the cockpit…even with Marines! Bitching Betty doesn’t discriminate though, and can cause panic in Air Force, Navy and even some Army pilots.

All branches of the U.S. military have recently been faced with a pilot shortage, partially because of competition with commercial airlines and the other services. Bonuses in the USN, USA, USAF, and USMC vary, but the Corps offers qualified pilots up to $200,000 bonuses depending on their years in service and what they fly.

Bitching Betty and the Marines

Marine Corps Captain Jake “Shark” O’Reilly was no stranger to the AH-1 Cobra. With its sleek, deadly silhouette and firepower that could turn a small forest into a parking lot, the Cobra was every Marine pilot’s dream machine. But no matter how many missiles it could fire or how many bad guys it could intimidate, there was one part of the helicopter that gave every pilot a little bit of heartburn: Bitching Betty.

Now, for the uninitiated, Bitching Betty is the sweet, computerized voice of the Cobra that “helpfully” reminds you when you’re about to screw something up. Like an overbearing mother-in-law, she never lets you forget you’ve left the landing gear down or that your rotor speed is dipping below acceptable levels. Betty doesn’t care if you’re dodging enemy fire or trying to impress a pretty nurse on the radio—if you’re flying wrong, she’ll let you know.

And she’ll do it loudly.

On this particular day, Shark and his copilot, Lieutenant Chris “Goose” Rodriguez, were flying low and fast over a stretch of barren desert. The mission was a routine patrol, but as with anything involving Marine pilots, “routine” was just code for “find a way to make it exciting.”

Shark grinned through his aviators, nudging Goose with his elbow. “You ready to put this bird through its paces?”

Goose, always the cautious one, raised an eyebrow. “We’re just supposed to be checking out the terrain, man. No need to do anything crazy.”

Shark laughed. “Come on, Goose, where’s your sense of adventure? Let’s see what Betty thinks of a low-altitude barrel roll.”

And that’s when Bitching Betty entered the chat.

“LOW ALTITUDE.”

“See? Betty’s already excited,” Shark said with a wink.

Goose shook his head. “Dude, let’s not piss her off today. We’re just supposed to be flying recon. Don’t make me call in a medevac for my sanity.”

Shark, unfazed, pushed the stick forward, bringing the Cobra even lower. Dust and sand whipped up in their wake as the helicopter skimmed just a few dozen feet above the desert floor. The Cobra was practically smiling, but so was Bitching Betty.

“LOW ALTITUDE.”

“LOW ALTITUDE.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know,” Shark muttered under his breath, ignoring the warning as he tilted the Cobra for a sharp bank to the right.

“PULL UP. PULL UP.” Betty chimed in again, sounding more like a nagging spouse than an emergency system.

“God, Betty, you’re worse than my ex-wife,” Shark said, rolling his eyes as he brought the helicopter back to a safe height. “Always with the ‘pull up, don’t hit the ground’ nonsense.”

Goose, trying his best to keep his cool, glanced at the instrument panel. “Maybe she’s onto something, Shark. You know, like not crashing? Just a thought.”

Shark grinned. “You worry too much. Betty just doesn’t appreciate a little fun. We’re well above the limits.”

As if on cue, Bitching Betty’s voice cut through the cockpit again.

“ENGINE OVERHEAT.”

Both pilots froze. Goose’s eyes widened. “Wait, that’s real, right? She’s not joking?”

Shark glanced at the engine readout. Sure enough, things were running a bit hot. “Eh, she’s probably just being dramatic. It’s like when you leave the AC on at home and your mom complains about the electric bill. The engine’s fine.”

Goose didn’t seem convinced. “Fine? Betty’s about two seconds from calling in an airstrike on us.”

“ENGINE OVERHEAT.”

“ENGINE OVERHEAT.”

Betty’s voice grew more insistent, the computerized edge tinged with a hint of I told you so. Goose was beginning to sweat, and not just because they were in the middle of the desert. “Okay, how about we stop doing whatever it is we’re doing that’s overheating the damn engine?”

Shark sighed, easing back on the throttle. “Alright, alright. Don’t get your flight suit in a twist.”

Betty, sensing she’d won the argument, went silent for a blissful moment.

But the silence was short-lived.

“LOW FUEL.”

Goose’s jaw dropped. “What the hell, Shark? Did you forget to fuel up this morning?!”

Shark glanced at the fuel gauge and winced. “Hey, it’s not empty yet. Besides, Betty’s just being dramatic again. She loves to mess with us.”

Goose threw his hands up. “She’s literally trying to save our lives, and you’re treating it like she’s asking us to take out the trash.”

Shark gave him a look. “Hey, Marines don’t take out the trash, Goose. We eliminate the trash.”

Goose wasn’t amused. “Dude, we’re going to be in the trash if you don’t listen to her.”

At that moment, Betty chimed in with her most urgent tone yet.

“CRASH IMMINENT.”

Goose’s eyes widened. “Shark, did she just say—?”

“Ah, relax,” Shark interrupted, pulling the helicopter up to a safer altitude. “We’ve got plenty of time.”

The Cobra leveled off, and the engine cooled down just enough for Betty to calm her computerized jets. As the helicopter cruised smoothly back toward base, Shark glanced over at Goose with a smug grin.

“See? Told you. Betty just likes to hear herself talk.”

Goose, slumped in his seat, shook his head. “You know, one day, she’s gonna be right. And when she is, I’m gonna make sure you’re the one explaining it to the CO.”

Shark laughed. “Oh, come on. Betty and I have a love-hate relationship. She bitches, I fly, and together we don’t die. It’s perfect.”

Goose wasn’t convinced. But as they landed safely back at base, he couldn’t help but admit that, for all her nagging, Betty had at least kept them out of trouble.

As they shut down the engines and climbed out of the cockpit, Shark gave the helicopter an affectionate pat. “Good job today, Betty. We’ll do it again tomorrow.”

Goose glanced back at the silent machine and muttered, “Yeah, if she doesn’t quit on us first.”

And from the depths of the Cobra’s electronics, Goose could’ve sworn he heard a faint, robotic voice say, “You wish.”

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