What not to say to an Army First Sergeant was inspired by a military joke of witnessing a young private thinking everything his military recruiter had said was true. Of course, his comment did not go over very well. Other things not to say to a 1SG:

“My mother said you aren’t allowed to really yell at me.“

“Well, my recruiter said…”

“Ohhh you meant NOW?”

What not to say to First Sergeant

It was Private Jenkins’ first day on the job, fresh out of boot camp and still wide-eyed from all the excitement. He had heard the stories about First Sergeants, the mythical creatures of the Army—half-human, half-god, with a voice that could peel paint off a wall and a glare that could melt steel. But Jenkins, in all his youthful ignorance, figured it couldn’t be thatbad. After all, he was always good at charming his way out of trouble.

As fate would have it, his first encounter with First Sergeant Malone happened sooner than expected. Jenkins was standing in the chow line, trying to figure out what exactly the gray mystery meat on his plate was, when the towering shadow of the First Sergeant loomed behind him.

“Private Jenkins!” boomed First Sergeant Malone, in a voice that shook the entire mess hall.

Jenkins spun around, tray in hand, and saluted so hard it nearly knocked the food off his plate. “Yes, First Sergeant!”

Now, everyone knows the First Sergeant is not someone you joke with, but Jenkins, in all his infinite wisdom, thought this would be a good time to show off his sense of humor.

With a grin, he blurted out, “First Sergeant, I heard you’re so old that you served with George Washington!”

The entire mess hall went dead silent. You could hear a pin drop—or in this case, the sound of Jenkins’ career imploding in slow motion.

First Sergeant Malone’s eyes narrowed, and he stepped closer to Jenkins, his massive chest now just inches from the trembling Private. “Private Jenkins,” Malone said slowly, “George Washington may have been my junior, but that doesn’t mean you’ll live long enough to get your next promotion.”

Jenkins gulped audibly. But instead of retreating gracefully, his brain betrayed him. “Well, First Sergeant, I’m just saying—at least you don’t look that old.”

Cue the gasps from the rest of the mess hall. Jenkins had officially done it. He had poked the bear, and now the bear was about to chew him up and spit him out.

First Sergeant Malone leaned in even closer, his voice now a low growl. “Private Jenkins, drop your tray. You and I are going to have a… cardio session.”

Jenkins barely had time to process what was happening before he found himself doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running laps around the base with the First Sergeant trailing behind him like a relentless drill sergeant out of a nightmare.

Hours later, drenched in sweat and regretting every decision he’d ever made, Jenkins collapsed onto the ground, gasping for breath.

As First Sergeant Malone stood over him, arms crossed, he finally spoke. “Next time, Jenkins, keep your jokes to yourself. Especially around someone who has more rank on their collar than you’ve got brain cells in your head.”

And from that day forward, Jenkins learned the golden rule of the Army: Never, ever try to crack a joke with a First Sergeant unless you’re ready to pay for it… in push-ups.

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If you like these comics check out my first comic book! This is a not-so-serious look at Kim Jong Un, who while I was stationed in Korea came to power. During all the briefings on the fat little man, I could not help but laugh and doodle the drawings. Hope you like the humor and learn a few real facts about the DMZ and North Korea! Consider this reverse propaganda used to take a funny look at a dangerous dictator. Check out on Amazon:

The Korean Affair: A (Not So) Serious Look at the Life and Times of Jim Jong-un