A soldier tries to be sent home from military deployment. Sometimes soldiers, airmen, sailors and Marines try to avoid deployments. Who can blame them? Leaving family behind to go off and eat horrible food and fight is not a fun experience. But to what extreme do you want to try and get out of a deployment? Sadly, this comic is based on a true story.

“2.77 million men and women have deployed overseas since 9/11” – Dr. Knowitall

Creative Soldier Attempts to Get Sent Home from a Military Deployment:

1. The “Mysterious Illness” Gambit

Private Jenkins begins coughing dramatically at every formation, claiming he’s come down with an exotic illness he calls “FOB-itis.” Symptoms include an allergic reaction to early wake-ups, sand in places sand shouldn’t be, and an uncontrollable need for Wi-Fi. He insists the only cure is immediate evacuation to the nearest luxury hotel… err, hospital.

2. “Accidentally” Losing Essential Gear

Sergeant Harris starts losing gear left and right. “Oh no, my rifle! Must’ve left it at the chow hall.” Then it’s his helmet, then his boots. “How could this happen?” he says, while suspiciously wearing Hawaiian flip-flops. He hopes the command will finally throw in the towel and send him home before he’s reporting for duty in his boxers.

3. The Sudden “Talent Discovery”

Corporal Sanchez realizes he has an incredible talent for playing the kazoo. Naturally, he petitions to be sent home immediately to “nurture this once-in-a-generation musical gift.” He even provides a (self-made) letter from a fake talent scout, claiming his “next-level kazoo skills” are needed on a world tour… in Miami.

4. The “Romantic Emergency”

Private First Class Thompson suddenly announces that his “imaginary” fiancée is waiting for him back home, ready to elope. Apparently, the wedding is scheduled next week, and the venue has a strict “no military delays” policy. He’s got zero evidence of this fiancée, but his fingers are crossed that the love story alone might be enough to get him on that plane.

5. Mastering Fake Accents

Specialist Miller starts speaking in a bad French accent one day, claiming he’s forgotten how to speak English. “Je ne comprends pas ‘duty roster,’ mon capitaine,” he says, while shrugging dramatically. He hopes they’ll send him home for being a “linguistic liability,” but the only thing they offer is language lessons.

6. The “Overly Prepared Tourist”

Staff Sergeant Brown shows up to every mission brief wearing a Hawaiian shirt, cargo shorts, and a touristy sunhat. He keeps insisting he thought he signed up for a “working vacation,” and his confusion only grows when told they won’t be visiting any beaches. “Wait, so I packed the snorkel for nothing?!” he exclaims, hoping they’ll think he’s so out of touch, they’ll just send him home.

7. The “Chicken Whisperer”

Private Williams suddenly starts claiming he can communicate telepathically with the FOB’s chickens (if they have any). He swears they’re telling him vital intel and demanding he be sent home immediately to “rally more poultry reinforcements.” He’s not sure how long the story will hold up, but he’s prepared to cluck if necessary.

8. Exaggerating an Allergic Reaction

Sergeant Brown declares he’s “deathly allergic” to desert sand. Despite having survived the previous months without issue, he now insists the only way to avoid anaphylactic shock is an immediate, all-expenses-paid trip to anywhere with grass and indoor plumbing.

9. The “Secret Identity” Revelation

Out of nowhere, Private Collins claims he’s not actually a soldier, but a deep-cover agent for a government agency so secret it doesn’t even exist on paper. His mission? To go home immediately for “debriefing” because he’s in “too deep” and “can’t risk exposure.” He winks a lot, hoping that’ll seal the deal.

10. Extreme Fear of Sand

One day, Corporal Davis starts screaming every time he sees sand. “It’s EVERYWHERE!” he shouts, claiming an irrational fear of grains of dirt has developed overnight. He suggests that a prompt return to the homeland—where grass and concrete are abundant—is the only solution.

11. Pretending to Be a Lost Tourist

Corporal Lewis suddenly pulls out a map and acts like he’s confused as to why he’s on a military base. “Wait a minute… this isn’t Cabo?” He hopes the leadership will think he just wandered in by mistake, leading to his immediate ejection (preferably by airplane).

12. Culinary Conundrum

Private Johnson claims to be a highly trained chef whose delicate palate can no longer handle MREs. He insists that every meal is a personal attack on his “refined taste buds” and that he should be flown home immediately to rescue his culinary career before it’s too late. His written request includes recipes for foie gras and soufflé… both of which he swears are needed on the FOB.

13. The Ultimate Excuse: Netflix Addiction

Specialist Moore tries convincing command that he’s going through Netflix withdrawal and that it’s become a medical emergency. “I’m already three seasons behind on Stranger Things!” he pleads. “The only cure is rapid evacuation to a place with proper streaming service!”

While none of these “strategies” would probably succeed, you can’t deny they might earn these soldiers some well-deserved laughter and a pat on the back for creativity!

The Frontlines

It’s hard to believe, but some of the comics I created during my 20-year military career have actually been published! These funny, and sometimes edgy, reflections are inspired by incredible mentors, great friends, and a deep love for sarcasm. You can check them out on Amazon: Amazon The Frontlines

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