Apache Longbow Gunner Red Button…these are definitely words you do not want to hear from your front seat gunner in an AH-64 Apache Longbow Attack Helicopter while deployed in combat. Doesn’t bring comfort when being fired up and makes you wish you could swap out for a better model (gunner) in flight. Can someone say “eject”?

The Front Seat Gunner’s Greatest Hits

In the sweltering desert heat of Iraq, Captain Roberts and his front seat gunner, Sergeant Jenkins, were cruising high in their AH-64 Apache Longbow Attack Helicopter. The mission was straightforward: provide air support for the troops on the ground and keep an eye out for any suspicious activity. But little did Roberts know, Jenkins had his own unique way of keeping things interesting.

As they flew over the rugged landscape, Jenkins was busy adjusting his gear, fiddling with the controls, and munching on a protein bar. “Hey, Captain,” he called out, “you think we could swap out my seat for a plush recliner next time? This thing is seriously uncomfortable!”

Roberts shot him a sideways glance. “What are you talking about? We’re in a war zone, Jenkins! Focus on the mission!”

But Jenkins was unfazed. “Right, right. But I mean, if we could just eject and float down with parachutes instead of this crazy rollercoaster ride, I’d be totally down for that.”

“Eject?” Roberts echoed, his heart racing at the thought. “Do you even know what that would mean?”

“Oh, come on! It can’t be worse than your cooking, sir!” Jenkins chuckled, slapping the control panel playfully. “Imagine the soft landing on a cloud! Maybe we could even pick up some takeout on the way down!”

Just then, the helicopter rattled as a bullet whizzed by. Roberts’ adrenaline kicked in, and he pulled sharply on the controls. “Jenkins! Stop daydreaming and get ready to engage!”

“Engage? You mean, like, engage in combat? Or are we talking about finding a suitable spot for a picnic?” Jenkins grinned, adjusting his night vision goggles.

“Jenkins, now is not the time for jokes! We’re under fire!” Roberts shouted, sweat trickling down his brow.

“Oh, I thought we were just taking a scenic tour!” Jenkins replied, peering out over the side. “Hey, is that a goat? Or maybe a local’s pet? Should I start shooting or invite it to dinner?”

“Just focus on the enemy! Get ready to fire!” Roberts growled, trying to concentrate.

“Right, right! Just let me know when you want me to unleash the fury,” Jenkins said, pretending to crack his knuckles. “You know, I heard that yelling ‘Eject!’ really scares the bad guys. Maybe we should give it a shot!”

Suddenly, another round of gunfire erupted nearby, causing the helicopter to shake violently. “Jenkins!” Roberts yelled, desperately trying to stabilize their flight. “Do something!”

“On it!” Jenkins shouted, fumbling with the controls as he hastily adjusted the targeting system. “This is just like playing video games, right? How hard can it be?”

“Video games? Jenkins, we’re not playing Call of Duty! We’re in an Apache!” Roberts was practically yelling now, his heart pounding in his chest.

With a sudden burst of energy, Jenkins shouted, “Alright! I see the target! Get ready for some serious action!”

Roberts braced himself as Jenkins let loose with the 30mm cannon, sending a flurry of rounds toward their target. “Boom! Did you see that? I’m a natural!”

“Great job!” Roberts admitted, feeling a rush of relief. “Now can you keep your commentary to a minimum?”

“Sure thing, Captain!” Jenkins beamed. “But can I at least tell you about my fantasy of flying a helicopter made entirely of jellybeans?”

“Jellybeans?” Roberts blinked, half-exasperated, half-amused. “Why jellybeans?”

“Because they’d be sweet, and if we crashed, we could just eat our way out!” Jenkins laughed, completely unfazed.

“Jenkins,” Roberts sighed, shaking his head. “Next time, I’m seriously considering a swap out for a quieter model.”

“Too late now! You’re stuck with me, buddy!” Jenkins retorted, still beaming with enthusiasm. “Now let’s finish this mission and grab some wings! My treat—if we survive, of course!”

As they continued their flight, dodging enemy fire and taking out targets, Roberts couldn’t help but chuckle despite himself. He had to admit, having Jenkins as a gunner was never dull. And while he might not have signed up for the humor, it was a relief to know that laughter could still be found in the midst of chaos.

So, as they flew off into the sunset, dodging bullets and dreaming of jellybeans, Roberts realized that sometimes the best defense against fear was a good laugh—especially when your front seat gunner was a one-man comedy show.

The End

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