An Apache helicopter pilots needs to pee while in the the cockpit. Extremely difficult to pee in a cup while flying combat missions in Iraq. There is nothing but an empty Gatorade bottle (if lucky), or just accept that peeing in your pants is a manly thing to do? Personally, as a Warrant Officer in the United States Army there is no shame when it comes to bodily functions.

Apache Helicopter Pilot Must Pee

In the heart of a high-stakes mission over a rugged terrain, Apache helicopter pilot Lieutenant Sam Shingles was focused and determined. His Apache was on a critical patrol, scanning the ground for potential threats. The only problem? Lieutenant Sam Shingles had been sipping coffee like it was going out of style, and now he found himself in a desperate need to pee.

He shifted uncomfortably in his cockpit, glancing at his pilot in command, Chief Warrant Officer Four Rick Rocket, who was busy monitoring the radar, the flight instruments and his stock trading app, while simultaneously ensuring the young Lieutenant did not crash. Lieutenant Sam Shingles took a deep breath and decided he had to act fast. He tapped Sam on the shoulder.

“Hey, Chief Rocket,” Lieutenant Shingles said with an apologetic tone, “I’ve got a bit of a situation here.”

CW4 Rocket looked up, puzzled. “What’s up, Lieutenant Shingles?”

“I really need to pee. Like, urgently,” Lieutenant Shingles said, his face turning slightly red. “But the problem is… well, this cockpit is about as spacious as a shoebox. I don’t know how I’m going to manage.”

Chief Warrant Officer Rocket blinked, trying to suppress a grin. “You’re kidding me, right Lieutenant? You’re in the middle of a mission, and you want to…?”

Lieutenant Shingles nodded. “Yep. And it’s not like we have a bathroom break feature on this bird.”

CW4 Rocket chuckled. “Alright Lieutenant, let’s see if we can figure this out. Maybe you can use one of those emergency procedures.”

Lieutenant Shingles looked around, assessing the situation. The cockpit was cramped, filled with controls, displays, and wires. “Emergency procedures? What, am I supposed to call for a ‘pee diversion’ or something?”

Hover and Hold…

CW4 Rocket laughed. “Well, let’s think Lieutenant. We could always perform a ‘hover and hold’ maneuver. Maybe the turbulence will help?”

Lieutenant Shingles was not sure if CW4 Rocket was serious or if this would be another Warrant Officer prank, but he was desperate for a solution. “Great idea, Chief Rocket. Let’s just hope the enemy doesn’t catch wind of our ‘bathroom break’ and decide to make things interesting.”

CW4 Rocket grinned and took the controls. “Alright Lieutenant, let’s do this. But if you’re going to pull this off, you might want to hurry.”

Lieutenant Shingles awkwardly maneuvered into position, trying to find the least awkward angle. He fumbled with a small empty water bottle he had in the cockpit, attempting to use it in the confined space. As he did, he couldn’t help but feel like he was trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube while riding a roller coaster.

Control…

Just then, the radio crackled. “Apache 03, this is Control. Any updates on the situation?”

Lieutenant Shingles, his voice slightly strained, responded, “Control, we’re experiencing a bit of an… emergency procedure. Stand by.”

Control responded with a puzzled tone. “Emergency procedure? Everything alright?”

Lieutenant Shingles cleared his throat. “Yeah, just a bit of a personal nature. I’ll fill you in later.”

As Lieutenant Shingles finished up his makeshift solution, he couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of the situation. CW4 Rocket, still holding the controls, was trying hard not to crack up.

Finally, Lieutenant Shingles settled back into his seat, feeling somewhat relieved but also slightly embarrassed. “Alright, Chief Rocket. Let’s never speak of this again.”

CW4 Rocket nodded, still mischievously grinning. “You’ve got it, Lieutenant. But just so you know, if we ever face a tight spot again, I’m definitely suggesting a ‘pee protocol’ in our pre-flight briefing.”

Lieutenant Shingles laughed, shaking his head. “Deal, and don’t worry Chief the next round is on me at the bar afterwards. Now let’s get back to business before we give the word ‘crash landing’ a whole new meaning.”

As they resumed their patrol, the cockpit was filled with a newfound camaraderie, with both pilots knowing that their bond had just been cemented in the most unexpected way, and that Chief Warrant Officer Rick Rocket would never have to pay a bar tab again. The End.

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