10 Types of Crappy FNG in the Military explained in this military humor comic.

Types of Crappy FNG in the Military

There are few certainties in military life—bad chow, early mornings, and the never-ending presence of FNGs. For those not familiar with the acronym, FNG stands for “F**king New Guy,” a term said with the same mix of affection and disdain as you’d reserve for a stray dog that keeps peeing on your boots. Every unit gets ‘em, and each FNG falls into one of several distinct, predictably painful categories. Here’s a breakdown:

1. The “Know-It-All” FNG

This guy has been in the military for exactly 72 hours and already acts like he’s General Patton. He’s read all the manuals (or at least the table of contents) and took a half-day leadership seminar before shipping out, so naturally, he believes he’s the undisputed expert on everything from weapon systems to international geopolitics.

First day on base, he’s giving you unsolicited advice. “Actually, Sergeant, if we adjusted the battle drill formations by 10 degrees north, we’d optimize fire superiority.” Meanwhile, he can’t even put his helmet on straight, and you’re pretty sure he still doesn’t know which way is north. But why let minor details like experience or common sense get in the way?

“Yeah, Roger that,” you say through gritted teeth, knowing full well this guy will somehow get lost in a straight line during the next patrol.

2. The “Excited Puppy” FNG

This FNG shows up like he’s just finished an all-you-can-eat energy drink buffet. His boots are too shiny, his uniform is too pressed, and his enthusiasm is way too high for the reality that is military life. He’s practically vibrating with excitement about everything.

“Do we get to shoot stuff today?!” he asks, eyes wide with innocent hope.

“No, we’re doing vehicle maintenance.”

His face falls for exactly 2.7 seconds before he bounces back. “Well, that sounds awesome, too!”

You sigh, because while it’s cute now, by the third day, his relentless positivity will make you want to fake a tactical injury just to get some peace and quiet. “Hey, who’s got two thumbs and volunteered for every single shit detail?” you mutter under your breath. Oh, right. This guy.

3. The “Walking Disaster” FNG

Imagine a newborn deer trying to ice skate—this is the Walking Disaster FNG. Every single thing he touches breaks, catches fire, or gets mysteriously lost.

First day at the range, and he’s somehow pointing his rifle at the instructor’s feet. A simple task like rolling a tarp becomes an all-out war between him and inanimate objects. His body armor is always on backward, and there’s a good chance he’ll mistake a live grenade for a paperweight if you don’t supervise him constantly.

“What the hell did you do to the Humvee, FNG?” you ask after hearing a loud clunk and the unmistakable sound of metal scraping metal.

“I don’t know! It was working fine before I, uh… touched it.”

You seriously wonder if this guy is the military’s secret weapon—if they drop him behind enemy lines, he might accidentally destroy the entire enemy supply chain through sheer incompetence.

4. The “I’m Too Cool for This” FNG

Then there’s the guy who walks into the unit like it’s beneath him to even be here. He’s rocking a set of Oakleys and chews gum like he’s starring in a low-budget action flick. In his mind, he’s basically Rambo, except he’s only seen action in Call of Duty. He lounges in the motor pool with a “too cool for school” attitude, checking his phone for Instagram likes while you’re trying to brief the squad.

“FNG, did you memorize the unit SOPs?” you ask.

He blows a bubble, pops it, and shrugs. “Nah, man. I’ve been freelancing. SOPs are more like guidelines, right?”

Spoiler alert: They’re not. And yet this guy continues to wing it like military life is an improv show, right up until he gets screamed at by the platoon sergeant for forgetting something critical, like where his weapon is.

5. The “Overachiever” FNG

This one’s a special breed—the guy who’s so overzealous about being the perfect soldier that he makes you question your own life choices. He’s memorized every manual, knows every drill, and volunteers for everything—yes, even latrine duty.

“Who wants to scrub the latrines after chow?”

The Overachiever’s hand shoots up like he’s at a kindergarten show-and-tell. “I’ll do it, Sergeant!”

You squint at him, wondering if this guy’s on some kind of secret super-soldier serum. But no, he’s just that into it. He runs faster, yells louder, and gets up earlier than everyone else, just to make sure the rest of the unit feels like underperforming slackers by comparison.

You start to wonder if he’s the first human-robot hybrid. Either way, you’re mildly terrified of his enthusiasm. You figure it’s only a matter of time before he burns out, or his excessive motivation is used to fuel the mess hall stove.

6. The “Ask a Million Questions” FNG

This guy. Oh, man. The Ask-a-Million-Questions FNG is like a human curiosity engine. Every briefing, every task, every order is met with a barrage of questions, most of which could be answered with common sense or a glance at the manual.

“So, Sergeant, when you say ‘clean the barracks,’ does that include the windows? And do we have any preferred brands of cleaning supplies? Oh, also, where exactly is the broom located, and is there a specific technique you recommend for mopping? Is this going to be an AAR after, or are we just supposed to self-assess?”

By the time he finishes his list of inquiries, you’ve aged 10 years and forgotten what the original task was. You start fantasizing about the blissful silence of a night patrol, just to escape the endless questions. Maybe I can convince him that guard duty is a one-man job.

7. The “Where’s the Nearest Exit?” FNG

This is the FNG who realizes, almost immediately, that military life is not what he signed up for. He stares into the distance during formations, like a sad puppy locked outside in the rain. He’s mentally already filing for his early discharge.

“Private, you okay?” you ask.

“Yeah, just… wondering if I could still be a barista instead.”

He complains about the food, the PT, the hours, the gear—basically everything. “How long until my contract’s up again?” he asks on day three, as if there’s some way he can fast-forward his life like a Netflix show.

“Four years, FNG,” you reply with a smirk. “Better get comfy.”

So there you have it, the different types of FNGs you’ll meet in the military. Each one a special brand of chaotic energy that somehow, despite all odds, survives basic training and ends up in your unit. The good news? Eventually, they’ll either shape up or ship out. The bad news? There’s always another FNG waiting right around the corner.

The Frontlines Comic Book

It’s hard to believe, but some of the comics I created during my 20-year military career have actually been published! These funny, and sometimes edgy, reflections are inspired by incredible mentors, great friends, and a deep love for sarcasm. You can check them out on Amazon: Amazon The Frontlines

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