Gas Mask Sneeze Attack. In the military you get to enjoy going to the CS (gas chamber) for a fun experience in actually being  gassed. It causes you to cry, eyes to sting and pretty much makes you wonder why you joined in the first place. Once “allowed” to don your mask there is a relief (and not of your bowels) almost instantly. However, you better not sneeze or you’ll cause a leak! Now what if this happened in war and not training?

“Tear gas works by irritating mucous membranes in the eyes, nose, mouth and lungs. It causes crying, sneezing, coughing, difficulty breathing, pain in the eyes, and temporary blindness…it can also cause you to puke.” – Dr. Knowitall

Gas Mask Sneeze Attack

It was a beautiful day at Fort Irwin, where the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and a gaggle of soldiers were preparing for the most thrilling adventure of their military careers: the CS gas chamber. As Private Jenkins stood in line, he couldn’t shake the feeling that “fun experience” was a bit of an understatement. After all, who wouldn’t want to voluntarily inhale what felt like a combination of pepper spray and a dirty sock?

As they filed into the chamber, Jenkins felt the adrenaline rush of being part of something bigger—something that might just help him finally understand why he joined the Army. Was it for the camaraderie? The sense of duty? The chance to be part of a team that would face the trials of warfare together? Or was it the thrill of possibly crying like a baby in front of his peers? Who knew?

Once inside, the sergeant yelled, “All right, everyone! Time for some fun! Get your masks on!” The soldiers scrambled, fumbling with their gear like it was a contest to see who could look the most ridiculous. With their masks strapped tightly on, they could finally breathe—sort of.

As the CS gas began to fill the chamber, Jenkins felt the familiar burn in his eyes and throat. He had to suppress the urge to cough, which would make him look like a wimp. Just then, Private Miller, standing right next to him, began to make a face that looked like he had just bitten into a sour lemon.

“Dude, are you okay?” Jenkins mouthed through the mask, trying to maintain some semblance of composure.

Miller shook his head, panic brewing in his eyes. “I think I need to sneeze!”

Jenkins’ heart raced. “No! Whatever you do, don’t sneeze! You’ll cause a leak!”

But it was too late. With a sound that echoed through the gas chamber like a trumpet announcing the apocalypse, Miller unleashed a sneeze so powerful it could have propelled him into orbit. The gas mask slipped ever so slightly, creating a gap where the gas could invade.

Jenkins’ immediate thought was about the inevitable embarrassment. “Miller, you absolute idiot! You just breached the gas mask protocol! We’ll all be crying in front of the sergeant!”

But instead of a dramatic reaction, Miller’s sneeze triggered a chain reaction of chaos. One by one, soldiers began to lose their composure. It started with a few giggles, followed by Jenkins, who found himself stifling laughter, only to be overwhelmed by the urge to cough and sneeze himself.

“Guys, hold it together!” shouted Sergeant Harris, a look of sheer horror on his face as he realized the absurdity of the situation. “You can’t just sneeze in a gas chamber!”

“Why not? It’s the only time I can do it and blame it on the gas!” Private Taylor chimed in, snickering.

The sergeant, exasperated, tried to regain control. “Focus! You’re supposed to learn how to handle gas attacks, not reenact a kindergarten classroom!”

But the giggles continued, turning into a full-blown laugh fest as the CS gas turned their eyes into fountains of tears. It was a chaotic ballet of masks slipping, hands flailing, and bodies doubling over in laughter. If anyone had been watching from outside the chamber, they’d think it was a bizarre dance party instead of a serious training exercise.

Amidst the madness, Jenkins found himself face-to-face with the instructor, who was shaking his head in disbelief. “This isn’t a joke! What would you do in a real gas attack?”

Jenkins, still struggling to hold back laughter, replied, “Sneeze and run, sir!”

Finally, the sergeant called for the masks to come off. As the soldiers stumbled out of the chamber, gasping for fresh air, the sounds of laughter echoed through the training area.

Once they were free, Jenkins looked over at Miller, who was still trying to catch his breath. “Dude, if we ever end up in a real war, I’m not sticking with you. We’d both end up sneezing our way into a minefield.”

“Hey, at least it would be a memorable way to go!” Miller chuckled, slapping Jenkins on the back.

As they made their way back to the barracks, Jenkins realized that while the gas chamber was a painful rite of passage, it was also a hilarious bonding experience. If he ever did end up in a real combat situation, he hoped his team would be as ridiculous as they were in the gas chamber. After all, if you couldn’t laugh in the face of danger, what was the point of joining the military in the first place?

The Frontlines

It’s hard to believe, but some of the comics I whipped up during my 20-year military career have actually made it to print! These humorous, and occasionally sharp-edged, reflections are fueled by amazing mentors, awesome friends, and a serious appreciation for sarcasm. Check them out on Amazon: Amazon The Frontlines and The Frontlines Shop

Popular Products